hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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