That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
