i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
