Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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