I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
this hospital has no fireball
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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