and you said cock pushups were impossible
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
