I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
