You don't have asthma, your pregnant
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
