Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
im holly from the hills drunk
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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