just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
