gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
