if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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