I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
