apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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