I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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