Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
