it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
