I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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