I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize