I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
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