I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
