someone get that fucking seahorse.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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