i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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