I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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