She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
