I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
