i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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