Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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