I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
