just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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