I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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