Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
