You're my little dorito
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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