Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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