why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
