we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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