He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
