i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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