I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
