Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
