its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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