And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
