you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
