Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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