dude i'm inner monologue high
I wish I only lived at night.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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