He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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