you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
FUCK WHALES
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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