dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
