My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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