everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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