I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
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