He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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