i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
