Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
