I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
