Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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