dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just want nice things and good sex
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
