that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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