he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
