We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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