i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
