my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
